Monday, October 26, 2009

For God's sake!

I normally keep myself a safe distance away from these stories because I get all wound up and shrill and start screaming to anyone who will listen or even pretend to listen.But, for some reason, in the recent past many of these foul stories have wafted into my unwilling ears. Of business tycoons making giant gold vessels for the lord, of superstars and their generous gifts of jewellery, of XYZ consulting ltd having performed every pooja and obtained every prasad from every temple there is, and indulging in their fraudulent deeds while eating said prasad.

We have become so adept at the “khilana-khana” system that we have even resorted to khilaaoing GOD!!

In a seminar I attended immediately after qualification, I was told that it is part of the CAs job to know where n who n how much to bribe under which table to get your job done.Theres a code of conduct, which if breached will result in the complete flop of mission tax evasion.

So it follows that some code must apply even to khilaaoing the Supreme being.The following are 5 golden rules to guilt free violation/offence/crime committing. Follow them strictly and you are assured of your cushy cloud couch in heaven.

Rule 1: The percentage cut for the omnipresent heavenly father is fixed on an industry wise standard as under:-
Show business: - (25% of a) - b
Politicians: - (40% of a)
Petroleum and other such lucrative businesses: - (25% of a) -b
Real estate: - (50% of a) - b
Software export and other tax free businesses: - (50% of a)
Chartered accountants, govt officials and other regulators: (20% of c)
Anonymous donations: - (25% of a) + amount spent to keep the temple officials from squealing your identity.

a :- earnings on which tax was successfully evaded
b: - amount pushed into the tax officials mouths.
c: - income generated from being agreeable

The above list is only an extract. The exhaustive industry wise list being too voluminous for this blog.

Rule 2: An additional 2% of (a) above has to be added for every repeat of the crime/offence/violation.The contribution has to be deposited in the jurisdictional temple within 30 days of committing the crime/offence/violation or receiving the money whichever is earlier.

Rule 3: If the misdeed results in illicit foreign currency earnings, then there has to be a premium present made. One before and one after doing the deed.

Rule 4: For any thing done in collaboration with the mafia , presents in simple precious metal are not sufficient. At least two of the following four have to be included: - Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds.

Rule 5: If for some reason beyond the control of the generous donor, the present exceeds the prescribed %, credit will be given for the excess amount gifted can be set off against future crime/offence/violation for a period of 8 years.